Sometimes To Face The Difficulty Of Being Alive, I Consider The Possibility That Things Might Actually Get Better And I'm Not Actually Complete Human Garbage That Deserves To Die Destitute On The Dirty, Downtown Drags Of A Dystopian Megacity
Hei, I'm back.
I know I haven't posted anything in 3 months, you don't need to remind me.
I don't feel like I need to give an explanation to you.
You never respond to me.
I have to carry every conversation on this blog.
You don't contribute anything.
This relationship is very one-sided, let's be honest here.
It doesn't really matter now anyway.
I'm going to give an explanation.
BUT NOT BECAUSE YOU DESERVE ONE, MIND YOU.
The idea well in my big bean has gone dry. Probably because of climate change.
It's just that my standards for what constitutes a post I want to publish have grown much higher since I first started doing this. There's a couple posts that have either been scrapped entirely, or put in the "needs more researching" box.
I also have a few big projects for this blog that I would love to work on, but they all require a decent time commitment to build and then write about. A time commitment that I can't/don't want to afford right now, so posts might be pretty rare for the foreseeable future.
But I'll always make time for my precious anniversary posts!
So here we are at 5 years, 117 posts, and over 150,000 words amounting to ~9.3 hours of read-time at 270 words per minute.
Normally how it would go with these is that I would write up about my feelings, which unfortunately is normally some real sad shit about depression or something, I would really just pour all the darkness of my mind into a Markdown file, bathe it in a real pool of sadness, then after it's posted someone who knows me personally and occasionally reads this blog will become very concerned about my well-being, and then reach out asking if I'm okay, and then I'll be like "yeah, I'm fine, was just getting stuff off my chest," and then they're like "ok nws I'm here if you need me," and I'll go like "haha yeah thanks mate," but then I'll start wondering if I'm actually okay and if this is actually my social anxiety once again refusing to allow me to ask for help because I'm actually NOT OKAY AT ALL, AND EVERYTHING IS FALLING APART, I'M A BALL OF DESPAIR AND I'LL NEVER BE HAPPY AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT BECAUSE I'M WEAK AND STUPID AND GAY.
I was thinking of doing something different for this post. Kind of because it's the 5th anniversary, and I feel like that would call for it. But mostly because, like this blog in general, I've run out sad things to write about.
I've kind of… covered most of the material, so I don't have anything new to say. At least for now. Maybe next year I will have more things.
Actually, I should probably hope I don't, that wouldn't be good for me. I'd prefer to not have more problems in my life thank you very much.
Instead, let's talk about positive things! That's what this post is going to be! Happy thoughts! But like, actually for real this time. I won't be doing a repeat of last year.
I've never really done this before, because to be honest, it makes me feel uncomfortable. (1) (1) That's depression for you! So, let's start with something easy. Here's a list of every notable good thing that's happened to me this year.
- I bought an apartment and am living in it.
Yep, I'm officially a home owner in Sydney, one of the highest cost of living cities in the world! Lucky me! And I bought it right before the housing market started to fall/crash too!
I shouldn't complain, it's still an achievement that probably puts me 10 years ahead of the average Australian my age. I'm much closer to the city now (only a 15 min walk to Central Station), and I'm pretty happy with the place. It's also cheaper than renting. Somehow. Like hot damn the rental market is fucked in this city.
It's also really cool finally being able to drill holes in your wall. I love using drills, definitely in the top 5 power tools for me.
- 5 years of blog posts means 5 years of work experience and 5 years since leaving high-school and becoming an "adult."
Somehow, crippling social anxiety hasn't completely ruined my life like I thought it would as a teenager.
- Kalle Rovanperä won the WRC drivers title.
I honestly still can't believe it, and am honestly really happy about this (read the end of last years' anniversary post for context). I just think it's cool seeing someone my age win at at a sport the generally favours people with decades of experience over young/newcomers.
Also I think he's cute.
Anyway, what else is there?
Hmm, so that was everything I could remember. Uhhh, that's not that much. I'm sure there's been more, but it's hard for me to recall positive experiences unless the memory is directly provoked by something (as in, I'm directly reminded of it).
Instead, another thing I could do is talk about my favourite posts I've made over the past 5 years. Like a celebration of the growth of this blog or something. If anything it will be interesting to see what's changed over the years.
I'll be adding my favourite quote from each at the start, because it might be funny.
- Setting up a LAMP Stack on CentOS 7 (2018-01-22)
CentOS actually comes with Python2.7 by deafult, so if you are one of those neanderthals who still use 2.7 you can skip this step. For the rest of us intellectuals, you will need to install install IUS, which stands for Inline with Upstream Stable.
While nothing really all that special, I of course have to talk about the first post I ever wrote. It's actually required for every software engineer who's making a blog to have the first post describing how you made the blog.
This is a pretty dry document, which made it pretty hard to find a "favourite quote," as it literally is just describing steps to take to setup a software stack (and not a particularly good one at that).
If you're wondering why I was using such an archaic stack for this blog at the start, that's because I only created this blog to learn about the stack I was using at the job I just started.
I wouldn't really do something like this again, I prefer to have my free time spent doing things I actually want to do, and I'm confident enough in my abilities now to know I could just pick up any stack on the job.
I mean, I have 8 years of programming experience in dozens of language and framework paradigms. I've seen most enumerations of software stacks at this point and it's not that hard to switch between them any more.
Although, it is nice to see where the roots of this site were planted and how they've never really changed, where I still use this blog to learn about new things.
[…] And just because I'm so nice, I'll even give you an idea of how many kidneys you'll have to sell in order to afford each style, although keep in mind that this is a very general idea from my own experience of kidney selling, and that you may find that a 1 kidney style can have items that would need 12 kidneys.
So all the posts before this are mostly of the same type as my first - the instructional/tutorial type. And this is the first time I tried something different. I wanted to be more entertaining while still being informative and start branching out of software.
After reading it again now, I'm kinda impressed that I didn't really cringe at anything I wrote. It did everything I wanted - be a source of information, and not boring as fuck. There weren't really many "jokes" but the prose wasn't Superdry, (2) (2) GET IT??!?! SUPERDRY IS A CLOTHING BRAND!! I'M SO FUNNY! so that's a good start.
I liked rediscovering how I expressed the expensiveness of the clothes in terms of kidneys, which is something I would still probably do if I were to write it again. Good job me! I'm glad I got this much right the first time round.
Although, I do remember it took a while to write (3) (3) In comparison to other posts I made at that time. I was churning out almost 1 post a week, so to have a month break between this post and the last was quite different. because I was putting more effort into research and editing to make sure I had a benchmark for future posts I wanted to write, so that probably has a lot to do with it.
There is no ethical consumption under capitalism.
2019 was really when this blog started ramping up.
I was experimenting with what and how I wanted to write which gave me a lot of ideas for posts (some good, some not so). So it was at this time that I started properly understanding and developing my own process for writing.
I really like this post because it's such a stupid idea, implemented even stupidly.
It doesn't flow the way I would like, and some phrases are just awkward/cringe. I think if I really tried, I could probably have been able to somehow linked the horrors of Vim Script to Capitalism which would have made the structure less jarring. But maybe that sharpness gives it its' character, like it's enforcing how absurd the premise of this post is.
Either way, I'm glad I wrote it. And it was fun to read again.
- Why Vim? (2019-07-14)
Vim == Human language
Every other text editor/IDE == Annoying bird language
Another Vim post! I like this one because I can seriously feel the affection I have for this software through it and the words it's composed of. Fitting, since it's also a post about linguistics.
Yes, I feel affection for software. (4) (4) I feel affection for most things actually, and constantly anthropomorphise every inanimate object I own and use often. I mean sometimes I pet my computer... what? no, that's not weird. When something is doing a good job, you give it head pats! It's a normal human thing to do! IT'S NOT WEIRD OK. LOOK DON'T JUDGE ME, I HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY. THE ONLY WAY I CAN GET OXYTOCIN IS FROM THE TECHNOLOGY I GIVE HUMAN QUALITIES TO. I WOULD CUDDLE MY LAPTOPS TO SLEEP IF I WASN'T AFRAID TO BREAK THEM. But when you've been using and studying it for over half your life, how could you not? I genuinely mean it when I say Vim is essentially a part of me now.
There have been a few times in my life where I have sat in front of a computer to do some work, opened Vim, and then for some reason, couldn't remember any commands. Actually it's more like, I didn't have the muscle memory for those commands any more - I knew what I had to do, but my hands would refuse.
Every single time that has happened to me, I felt like the world was ending and my life was over. Everything that once held value to me is now worthless. Not knowing how to use Vim could spell the end of my entire career, and the thing I've basically attached my self-worth to. Vim is programming to me. I've known Vim longer than I've known how to code. Could I enjoy writing if statements without the text editor I've used for over 10 years? I've never in my entire life used a mouse to navigate code without having to engage with some incredibly negative emotions, and the thought of having to start is a quick one-way street to despair.
It never lasts long enough to go into a full blown panic attack, it's just a temporary brain fart and I eventually start remembering again soon, but fuck it gets close.
I know that forgetting how to use Vim isn't something I really need to worry about. If at some point I do manage to forget over 10 years of muscle memory (that I also couldn't just re-learn), I probably have bigger issues going on with my brain.
I've recently made an Emacs config though, so let's see where that leads me.
- An Idiot Teaches You How To Use A Coffee Siphon (2019-07-29)
[…] If you did it correctly the water should be moving from the bottom part to the top part. This is because of physics I think.
God I love coffee siphons. I still don't know how or why heating up the bottom makes a vacuum, or how a vacuum forces the water to go to the top. I've never really cared to find out, I'd like to keep thinking of them as magic.
It's also interesting to see that I call my self an idiot in the title. This made me realise that self-deprecating jokes aren't a thing I do much any more, and have replaced them with over-exaggerating a self-inflated ego. I'm not sure why, but over the years I've tended to find the latter much funnier than the former.
Also, NO! I don't pet these as well ALRIGHT?! I know you were wondering if I did, you sick fuck! I'M A NORMAL HUMAN WHO ACTS IN NORMAL HUMAN WAYS.
These things get way to hot to be able to pet with my human flesh anyway.
Now as a disclaimer, because I actually do have social anxiety, I don't talk to very many people so these conversations may not be entirely accurate to real life. However, I have read enough Tumblr threads to get the jist of how most people talk, so I think I know what I'm doing.
This one is just kinda funny. It provides zero information, so it has to completely rely on my funny brain to carry the post. Did it succeed? Yeah I think so, it's at least mildly amusing and something you might actually see on a satire site.
I use NixOS now btw.
Last and most definitely least, “Sir Philip Pullman calls for 50p boycott over Oxford comma” from BBC on January 28, 2020. I couldn’t care less, although I am not a fan of language purism and it made me a bit annoyed so maybe I do care. Actually no, I don’t care! I had to look up who Sir Philip Pullman even was so why should I care about his opinion? It’s petty prescriptivist and misguided point-scoring from those who want to feel that they are vague ‘language experts’ but haven’t fully thought through the implications, origins, and lack of fundamental significance of what is just one of multiple conventions.
Alright, here we go.
It's now 2020. Twenty fucking twenty.
I found my voice in 2019 and so now I wanted to shout as loud as possible into this malformed abyss. And what better year to do it then in the year where I was stuck inside for months, and had a whole heap of free time.
At that time, this was the longest post I've ever written and was the first time I took over a few days to write, although that was mostly because of the premise.
This was written before COVID really hit the fan, so there was no news about that. It was also when I learnt about the term "ouiaboo," and definitely didn't get really offended because I'm NOT one of those, so I decided to use it everywhere ironically to show people how NOT that I was (AND STILL AREN'T).
The actual post was kind of interesting too.
I find people who collect rubber ducks to be weirdos. I’m not doing this one.
This and the last post about checking sources could be considered "challenge" posts. Where I set myself a challenge and write about what I went through.
You might also notice that these two are the only "challenge" posts I've written.
That's because this post made me stop doing them.
I wouldn't say I hate this post or anything, it has it's moments (I think it starts getting good at the end). But it doesn't really achieve my main goals of the blog that are once again - to be informative and entertaining. Especially for the amount of work I had to put it for it.
So, I decided that "challenge" posts were too much effort for not enough reward.
But I think it's good to showcase your mistakes, and this is one of my least worst mistakes, so here it is.
- Which Language Has The Best Counting? (2020-03-25)
Finnish is actually an Uralic language instead of Indo-European. But I’m the one who created the rules, so I’m the one who can break them.
I can't really explain why I got so excited that I became aware of "a website that contains the numbering systems of over TWO HUNDRED languages." But I really did, and so I just had to make a post about it.
This is such a "me" post, something that only I would want to read. And for that it gets a 10/10.
My only regret is that I didn't make fun of the French more. I'm realising now that I probably need to do more to prove I'm not a ouib (I think that's how you shorten ouiaboo?)
I also thought “Animal Crossing: New Horizons” would make good content. I could even make reference to that time “Stardew Valley Made Me Suicidal” and see if this game would make me want to kill myself as well.
I swear to Bidoof that quote >.<
On one hand.
That's the funniest thing I've ever written.
On the other.
HOLY SHIT. WHAT THE FUCK.
That is not something I should be saying outside of these posts.
- An Actually Good Anti-Gravity Racing Game (2020-07-16)
Magnets man, how do they work? I have no idea, so that's probably why I think using a "mag-plate" is fine.
Ah yes, now this is something I've had on my mind for years. It should be no surprise to you that I think about video games. A lot.
This is an almost complete specification of vehicle dynamics for one of my dream games. Honest to Bidoof YEARS went into thinking about this. Trying to figure out how to make it believable, yet clearly fiction.
The post is actually only the surface of what I wanted, there was going to be a whole thing about a career mode and economics/business (since it's a pretty important part of motorsport in general), but I scrapped it to focus more on ships.
Then, much like an email you've tripled checked for typos, the moment I published it, I instantly thought of several things that were wrong with the entire concept. I won't tell you them, because I'm a mean bastard enby and I want you to read it yourself (the one I retroactively fixed much later was just the biggest issue I had that I couldn't stand to not "fix").
But I still like the post and think it's pretty interesting as a game design essay.
- An Anime Made Me Rethink My Entire View On Cognition (2020-11-07)
[…] so I have no idea why my teacher read a child's story about culinary genocide, accepted this even though it wasn't what she asked for, and then gave the child full marks.
This is one of my favourite posts I've ever written. It does exactly what I always aim for with this blog (you don't need me to tell you again right?).
I don't know if you've been reading these posts as well, but if you haven't, I seriously urge you to read this one.
I also like it because it shows that I'm a weeb which takes suspicion off me being a ouib (I enjoy how it's much easier to distinguish between these two words in a written format). Because everyone knows that you can't like two countries at once, as that is forbidden by the laws of quantum physics.
COOL AS FUCK.
I always enjoy writing about linguistics crossed with programming. Fun fact, when I first started learning a second language, (5) (5) I won't tell you what language that is though. Because it might give you the wrong idea about me, and there definitely isn't anything on this blog that could give you an idea of what it is. I actually thought "I know like 7 programming languages; 1 natural language couldn't be that hard right?"
Boy was I wrong.
- Incoherent Ramblings On Computer Architecture (2021-05-06)
Have some imagination, use Lisp, and one day, maybe we'll be able to write Haskell without monads.
This is like the counting in different languages post, where I'm the only one who gives a shit about any of this.
Generally things like these aren't written to be all that entertaining because the information itself is entertainment to me so I don't feel any need to write jokes or funny bits. However, this can make them uninteresting and meandering to other people, which I can definitely see this being.
I had the time of my life researching this. And it doesn't show at all.
10/10.
- A Tour Of My Art Gallery (2021-07-25)
[…] if you look very closely at the top right, you'll see that the sun is wearing sunglasses. Such a profound political statement is another thing you'll see very often with my art.
Who knew making bullshit explanations for art was so fun?
This post almost made me regret skipping getting a 60k HECS debt for a university degree to instead get a high paying software engineering job which has allowed me to afford an apartment in the Sydney inner city.
I'm starting to thing that I should have gotten a liberal arts degree if it means I could have done this all day. But that's okay! We all make mistakes! (Note: I don't know what a liberal arts degree actually involves)
Earlier if you remember, I talked about how I don't do self-deprecating jokes any more in favour of writing like a narcissist who thinks too much of myself, because I find that more amusing for some reason. This post is probably the best example of that.
Also, finally remembered to make fun of the French, so this is easily a top 10 post.
- Technology Is Bad, Actually (2021-10-23)
I've basically just relegated crypto-currencies to complicated forms of gambling, but seriously, this really is me genuinely trying to find a use for them.
This is another one of my favourites. Not because it's written particularly well though. It's pretty rambly and unfocused. But I think it tells an important message.
As a software engineer, I can't help but feel at least a little responsible for the problems of this industry. I obviously have a better idea of the capabilities and consequences of technology than most people who aren't so entrenched in computers. So maybe I should be doing more to educate people about this.
All the lies, false promises, and naivety isn't going to help anyone.
- A Meta RFC For The Implementation Of RFCs (2022-02-22)
Some people do not like writing, or reading. Kids these days… smh.
As mentioned in the beginning of that post, "[this] is an RFC for implementing RFCs I wrote for work and thought it would be good enough to publish here."
It was actually a fun challenge to write a document that would be "digestible" in a workplace environment. I certainly couldn't just use the same style of writing I use here, but I still wanted "character" in my work (because apparently I regret not getting a liberal arts degree), so I had to morph my style into something more "professional."
I think I did a good job for a first attempt. I've made marked improvements with this style over the next RFCs I've drafted, and maybe I'll post them here as well eventually.
I'm just recording the ambient noises in my room, and sometimes screaming can be heard in the background (please ignore the fact that I'm then using that screaming to feed a machine learning model).
This is my favourite post I've ever written and the one I'm most proud of.
Again with posts like these, they tick all the boxes in the exact way I envisioned, and holy shit are these boxes ticked real fucking good.
- Informative? Literally goes through the entire process of using machine learning to solve a problem.
- Entertaining? Just the premise alone is funny as fuck.
This is the one blog post I've actually talked about to other people. It's a genuinely good story to tell, and it's pretty understandable to most people even if they aren't super aware of machine learning technology.
The "How To Avoid Talking To People" series I put it under also has a lot of potential for good content I feel. While this is the only post so far, I do have ideas for more, but as mentioned at the start - they just require a time commitment to work on.
So that's all of them. I didn't actually think I would have enough content to fill the space that a normal anniversary post would take, (6) (6) The only plan I make for these posts is doing some thinking about what I could talk about in my head. Then it's just a complete stream of consciousness onto a computer, with some editing to fix errors after everything is written. It usually helps with bringing out the sad, goopy bits of my mind if I don't think too hard about what I'm writing. and in that case I was also planning to talk about how the comedy anime Bocchi The Rock! is somehow the most accurate portrayal of social anxiety I've ever seen in media. But I guess I can leave it for another time.
And you know, I mentioned earlier that I have trouble remembering positive experiences of the past. But when I was going through my archive of posts, I started remembering what I was feeling and thinking while writing most of them. With many of these, I could remember exactly where I was while writing them and what I was going through at the time, which was just kinda fun to relive these experiences, even if they are just me sitting at a computer and getting frustrated that I don't know how to use words.
So, since I can remember all this stuff, I guess means this blog is working? I know I said this blog is only supposed to do two things, but there is a third.
A place for me to remember myself by talking to you.
See you next year.
Epilogue
I think this is also the most I've ever mentioned having social anxiety in a blog post. Most of the time it's just a passing mention to it (unless it's a post dedicated to it), or I don't mention it as a direct reference. Why am I so comfortable with it now?
Maybe I'm finally coming to terms with it? Maybe Bocchi The Rock! has finally shown me the real comedy value in this mental illness and I now intend on milking this trait as long as possible? Maybe I'm starting to understand how to express myself? I've certainly gotten much better at writing these "feelings" posts since the first Stardew Valley one.
Maybe I should get a therapist to sort this stuff out instead of using my French teacher as immersion therapy by forcing me every week to face my second greatest fear; Talking to a woman. Poorly.
NO WAIT SHIT I SAID WHAT LANGUAGE IT IS. FUCK.